whats th point ?

sigh , i planned what to do on his birthday like how many months back when everything went prefectly fine .. to me , it was a dream to celebrate your love ones birthday together with them because i nvr done it before . although its impossible to carry on with my "used-to-be" plans .. but what about getting him a present ? many said NO . but my heart and mind both , tells me yes . nw i just dunno what to do . to ignore his seventeenth or to buy a present and wish him . whenever i think abt it , i'll tend to get scare and lost , and i'll just break down and cry . and i cant stand that side of me . its horribly annoying .. >; i really dunno ! if i dun get him anything , i feel guilty and mean .. i mean its his birthday cmon .. and if i get him , im afraid i would have to face something worst which i still cant figure it out . i have many things been unsaid and undone . in my life , i nvr once get to finish a sentence before . im all unsaid and undone .

anyways , apart from that . its weird how nowadays , EVERYDAY u can say so , i dreamt abt him . i nvr once ask to dream of him before . althou i thought abt him like 24/7 ? i keep having th same dream over and over again , but just at different venues . you have no idea what my dream is like . whenever i dream , i could feel it . like as thou th whole shit was real . seriously . weird huh ? i once dreamt i was drowned .. oh well it was months back and yeah i could really feel th feeling of being drowned . and nw , he keeps coming into my dreams , and keep telling me it'll be alright . i dunno whats all these abt i dun even dare to dwell into it too much but th dream jus wont end ! there was once i nearly texted him " morning baby ". and then something triggers me like why do i still feel sad ? thn i realised , holy crap bitch , you guys are through ! thn i quickly delete what i was abt to sent . phew ! imagine if i actually send , i think he'll go like "wtf is this ?" hah . expected thou . but its not that bad after all .. i mean , since i said that whenever i dream , i could really feel whats happening like its all been set up so real . and yeah , i felt his kisses and hugs in my dream . jus that same old smell , old taste , old warmth that never ever ever ever changes . oh dear , imy ..

ps: ily .