"im desperate to know how you are . i hope you're a deep asleep . i've been awake for days , trying to study every inch of your body . and in this picture , from a distant state when i can safely say , nothing in this world can tear me down in any ways . but like a dream you disappeared without a sound , without a trace . - sleep well darling , wherever you are , i hope that you're happy tonight . and maybe you found someone who will love you right . im desperate to say now i need you more than ever but all i could say was goodnight . or maybe not . " anyway , that was for Bee . sigh , im gonnna have a typical sunday tomorrow , slacking at other people's house , eating - chitchatting - barbecueing ; cousin's place . i thought i had already forgotten this love of mine . but i jus realised that nothing i can do , could stop me from loving him . i think it jus makes me love him even more . my birthday is coming up . i use to like surprises . but i guess , this year im jus not looking forward to surprises . but i still do wonder , will th things i wanted for so long , will happen on my birthday ? or its jus another disappointing day thats jus adding th "my fifteenth birthday" ? i dont care about any surprises , unless it has got to do with him . thats all i have longed for , and dreamt for too . i may sound like a total big huge pathetic one , but who cares ? those out there hiding their feelings , are jus more pathetic than i can be . at least , i do admit . sigh , nothing's gonna change all this . i jus dunno how long more would i take this . i jus wish to end here . but it doesnt seem like it . i think i will love him as long as im still in singapore . jus cant wait for th day , me and family migrates . begin , a new life . and dont let history repeats itself . but you have no idea , how very special this guy is to me . he's jus one stubborn little thing , yet so special that i think i would bleed myself , if jus to see him alive . today , i was cleaning th mess in my room . i was opening this cupboard of mine , and digging my junks out , when i stumbled upon this disc - "she's th man " . th last time , i touched it and watched it was when i was with him . and that was last year , during th june holidays . sigh . i cried terribly while gripping that disc tightly . lucky thing didnt broke it . i was so upset . that i was jus so weak to get myself up . trust me . no one can ever feel my pain . you may think ur pain might be worst than mine , and im bullshitting here . but seriously i aint . if you were me , i think you would stop yourself from letting him hurt you . but to me , i jus cant stop letting him hurt me . they say once bitten twice shy . it was suppose to be like that . but i dunno why , that i would jus do anything for him .i knew he was jus hurting me , but i didnt give a heck at all . cause ," i love you so much .. "
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